


Transgressions

by inbarati



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-15
Updated: 2010-04-15
Packaged: 2017-10-08 23:14:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/80499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inbarati/pseuds/inbarati
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We've got nothing but that's alright<br/> Nothing could be something if the feelings right<br/> Holding onto something doesn't make it mine<br/> Got to get to heaven but we don't have time."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"I don't know about you, but I want to kill the dragon." Angel hefted his sword. Spike was battered and bleeding, standing over Gunn, trying to keep demons off the dying man, when a portal opened not five feet from him. Harris stepped through, followed by Red, and about a hundred slayers. Two of them took Gunn and stepped back through the portal, while Red and the boy took up places on either side of him. Angel started to be overwhelmed by the sheer mass of demon bodies, and Illyria charged out to rescue him. Spike cried out when her head came bouncing back to where they were holding the line. He ran forward, but just as he was about to yank Angel back to the group, the broken shaft of a halberd-looking thing went through his chest and into Spike's stomach. Spike fell to his knees surrounded by Angel's dust.

He gasped his first necessary breath in over a hundred years a few seconds later. The pain was incredible, and Angel's ashes were being washed away by the blood streaming from his belly. The sight made him a little nauseous. Strong arms lifted him, and he found himself looking up into troubled brown eyes. The world started to go dark at the edges, and it was hard to talk, but he managed to murmur, "I knew you'd come through."

"Don't you die on me, you asshole! I didn't spend a year brooding about your skinny ass in Africa, and most of my pay on long distance calls to L.A., to lose you, damn it!" Xander sobbed, running for the portal.

"Sorry, love," Spike breathed as the world went dark.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'd like the new Transgression CD, please."

"Err… Sure thing, Brother William." The clerk gave the young monk a strange look as he pulled _Raping the Seraphim_ from the shelf behind the counter. "I'm, uh, probably out of line for asking, but this really doesn't seem like something… Err…"

"A Jesuit would listen to?" The brother chuckled. "Someone has to keep track of the heretics, you know."

"This is the first album I've ever had to check I.D. to sell. The lyrics are pretty hardcore." Brown hair flopped over one eye as the kid tilted his head, studying the newest addition to the monastery his town was famous for.

"Right." The cultured British accent slipped, and the clerk blinked at the coarse inflection. Before he could ask about the lapse, the cleric had turned on his heel, and he gazed at the back of the brother's shorn head as he stormed out the door.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_ "You scream louder than fiction,  
and you get down on your knees,  
tear open your heart,  
so I can love you and your disease._

You lick the hand that feeds you,  
you kiss the blade that cuts.  
I wanna fuck you in your god's hands,  
when your praying bites the dust.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please,  
let me anoint the lust inside you.  
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please,  
let me devalue what's inside you…"

Xander screamed into the microphone, rolling his hips and leering at a spot above the heads of the people in the middle of the third row. He never saw any of the faces of the shrieking fans in front of him. He was singing to a scarred eyebrow quirked above fathomless blue eyes that he hadn't seen in nearly two years. The groupies, who knew him as 'Lex,' the lead singer of a band called Transgression, called him 'Frosty' behind his back. He never partied with the band, and never took anyone back to his room. He did, however, drink. It was a grand Harris tradition for avoiding misery, and he was such the traditionalist. He turned his back and swaggered upstage to hide the snicker that broke out.

He climbed halfway up the scaffolding holding the giant speakers next to the drums. He let go with his mic hand, and swung out toward the audience to sing the end of the song.

_And I'll deny you.  
Fact or fiction? Fact or fiction? Fact or fiction?  
It's a mission to survive, and learn to want you.  
When I hate, when I hate what's all inside._

Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please.  
Let me anoint the lust inside you.  
Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please.  
Let me devalue what's inside you.  
Hollywood at night hanging around,  
If this is a must, then dying is a must right now.  
Hollywood at night hanging around,  
If this is a must, then dying is a must right now.

He jumped down, shouting, "Thank you, Boston!" He turned and stalked off the stage as the lights went black.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey Willow! How's my favorite bad ass witch?" Xander took another slug from the bottle of Jack Daniels on his lap. "Uh, I think it's a little after eight here. No, in the morning. Where are you? Oh, yeah? How's Kennedy? Yeah, I'll be visiting over Christmas. Willow, what did I tell you about meddling? Yes, I'll still come if he's there, I'm not the one who left." He chugged half of what was left in the bottle. "Wills, you can't force someone to love you." He sighed. "Willow, joining the priesthood is not exactly a declaration of devotion. Well, he decided the state of his immortal soul was more important than being with me." Xander couldn't keep the bitterness from his voice. He drained the bottled and tossed it in the general direction of the trash. "No, I think there's construction outside. Wills, I gotta go. Sleep beckons. Yeah. Uh-huh. I love you too. Say hi to your slayer for me. Yeah, see you in a few weeks. Bye." He snapped his phone shut, and rolled to face the wall. The blankness was the only witness to his tears.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Lex, we're going to get together in London to start brainstorming the new album after Thanksgiving."

"Okay, are we renting the Willoughby Street house again?"

"Yep. Sydney's gonna deal with the lease." Jared jerked a thumb in the direction of their agent, who was arguing with a club manager about the brand of water. Randy wouldn't drink anything that wasn't Dasani. _Punk rock prima dona._ Xander took a slug from his ever-present bottle. "Dude, that shit'll ruin your voice. Not to mention your liver."

"Jared, buddy o' mine, mind your own fucking business, 'right?" Xander got up, knocking over the folding chair he'd been sitting on, and started to storm from the dressing room. Just then Cameron came in. His hair was bleached white-blond. "What the fuck happened to your head, Cam?"

The guitarist shrugged. "Needed a new look. I hear blonds have more fun."

"It's fucking stupid. No way am I going out on stage with you." Xander strode out, slamming the door behind him.

Sydney sighed. "I'll call the box office and arrange the refunds. Cam, you idiot, you know how he is about blonds. Give me the number of the stylist you went to, I'll see how much it will take to get him to come to the hotel tonight and fix it."

Cameron glared after Syd's retreating back, then turned to Jared. "Dude, you'd think Lex was the only one in the band. Why does he get to say what I do with my hair?"

"Cam, man, you are both an ass and an idiot. Lex is our front guy. The crowds are here to see him. We just ride his coat tails." The drummer prodded Cameron with his foot. "If you remember, it wasn't until he joined up that we got gigs."

"Whatever. It was just a matter of time. We would have done it without him."

"Sure, dickwad, if you say so." Jared returned to the magazine in his lap, ignoring the hostile look from Cam.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Xander walked back to the hotel. Incredibly, the police didn't come harass him, even though he was swigging from his Jack as he went. He'd been arrested for that a couple of times in the past few years, but the lawyer Syd hired always got him out of it. The hotel staff didn't bother him, either. He must look terrible. He finished the bottle in the elevator, and dropped it, leaving it behind when his floor came.

Finally in his room, he flopped back on the bed. He wasn't drunk enough. When he closed his eyes, he remembered the beautiful smile Spike had given him when he woke up in the hospital. Xander hadn't slept in nearly forty hours, just watching the former vampire heal, and cursing the Powers that had made him human just to nearly kill him. He had been giving the wall on the other side of the room a thousand-yard stare when he heard Spike's breathing change. _Holy fuck, Spike is breathing!_ He looked over to see the vampire smiling at him. "Hi," was all Xander could say, his signature quips deserting him.

"My mouth tastes like one of your socks," Spike croaked. Xander immediately got him some water from the pitcher on the table.

"In deference to your newly humanness, I'm not even going to ask how you know what my socks taste like."

Spike snorted water out his nose, laughing for all of ten seconds before he lay back with a groan. "Fuck. It hurts to be human."

Feeling a little better, because a complaining Spike was not a dead Spike, Xander quipped again. "You're telling me? Do you remember the time that huge demon hit me with a piece of headstone? I had a headache for nearly a month!"

Spike grinned again. "Yeah, you made me go get you aspirin at three in the morning."

"Spike, you were a vampire at the time, it's not like it was while you were sleeping." Xander said with false exasperation. Spike was alive. Really alive, heartbeat, breathing and all.

Spike shifted in the bed. "Get in here. I've been jerking off to your letters for nearly a year now. I need to touch you." He patted the spot beside him.

"Spike, you're hurt. I shouldn't…" Xander stuttered, looking nervously toward the open door.

Spike rolled his eyes. "Shut the bloody door, then."

Xander shut the door, and then stuck his hands in his pockets and leaned against it. "This is not how I imagined it."

"Not exactly tea and biscuits, is it?" Spike sighed. "Just need to be close to you. Bollocks, nearly dying for real has made me into a pouf."

Xander chuckled as he walked back to the bed and lowered the side rail. "Well, I can't say as I'm going to complain about that."

Spike smiled that beautiful smile again, and pulled Xander to sit beside him. "You're gonna make me soft."

Xander just raised an eyebrow. "Really? I'll have to brush up on my seduction skills."

Spike snorted and smacked his shoulder. "Not what I meant, monkeyboy." Pulling Xander down beside him, he put his head on the broad chest beside him.

Xander wrapped an arm around his shoulders and sighed happily. "When you get out of here, we should go on vacation. Somewhere with less bugs than Africa. Maybe France? I hear Paris is beautiful this time of year."

"Japan will have cherry blossoms." Spike mused. "France is good, too, though."

"Anywhere will be good, as long as you're there, too."

"Pouf."

"Human."

"Ouch." Spike smacked him again. They both giggled. A nurse came in, looked at them disapprovingly, and started to say something, but Spike cut her off. "This here is my future husband, luv. Sod off." The nurse gaped, blushed, and left.

"Future husband?" Xander raised the eyebrow again.

"Gotta make an honest man of me, now I'm human," Spike grinned, "and if you leave me at the altar, I'm going to borrow Red's shovel."

"She gave you the shovel talk, huh?" Xander chuckled. "Well now I _have_ to marry you."

Another smack, then a sigh. "I missed you."

"Missed you too, bleachy." Xander kissed the top of the blond head under his chin. Spike tilted his head up, and they kissed for real. For the first time. "I was terrified you'd get dusted before I got there," Xander pulled back.

"Didn't." Spike pulled his head back down and continued kissing him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But you are what you love  
> And not what loves you back  
> That's why I'm here on your doorstep  
> Pleading for you to take me back."

"I think we should do a cover album." Xander threw himself into a chair at the start of the first meeting after thanksgiving.

Cameron interrupted, "I wrote a few songs…"

"Shut up Cam." Randy chugged his water. "What, like Ozzy?"

"Yeah, Ozzy did one, Cash did a badass one before he died, too." Jared interjected. "I'm so loving this idea! We could roll out an album the beginning of next year, if we're not hashing out lyrics for the next six months."

"Hadn't thought of that," said Randy thoughtfully. "It'll keep our profile high."

"That hadn't occurred to me either, but it's a good point." Xander yawned and stretched. "I've picked out a few songs I'd like to do - sorry Randy, I didn't pick any Ozzy – but I'd like you guys to be able to cover some songs you like, too."

"Wow, I haven't really thought about covering anyone since high school." Jared said. I'd like to do something kinda indie… I'll have to go through my albums and see."

"I'd don't know who I'd cover if it wasn't Ozzy." Randy sighed.

"Pick an Ozzy song, then. If I can't sing it, maybe we can do an instrumental or something." Xander replied.

Cameron flounced out of the room in a huff. "Dude, we're gonna lose him," Jared said.

"Might be the best thing," Randy replied caustically. "He put dressing with animal products in my salad yesterday." He was too busy glaring at the door to see Xander and Jared roll their eyes at each other.

"Okay, I'll leave my list here so you guys can look at it, and we'll get together in a couple of days to hash out the final list, 'kay?" He smiled at the happy agreement. "I'll go see if I can talk some sense into Cam."

Xander found Cam sitting in the walled garden behind the house, chain smoking. "What do you want?" He snapped.

"Just came to see if we can work out whatever's bothering you, man. You've been unhappy lately, and I really don't want to spend the hols looking for someone who can play guitar." Xander slid his hands into his pockets and slouched against the gate. "Is there something you need that we can give you?"

"I'm fucking tired of touring. I'm tired of not having any say in what goes on in the band. Owen wants to get married, and he's threatened to leave me if I don't settle down soon. I'm not sure if I'm ready to be married, but I don't want to lose him." Cameron sighed. "I'm stupid. Don't listen to me. I'll pull my shit together."

"Why don't you invite Owen here for the holidays? Maybe he'll feel a little more secure if the band doesn't feel like some part of your life you're shutting him out of. Randy and Jared could invite whoever they're seeing, too." Xander offered.

"What about you, Lex? Gonna invite someone?" Cam had mellowed. _Sometimes all it takes is someone acting like they give a shit._

"Nah. I gotta do the family thing." Xander smiled ruefully. "Maybe they'll release me by New Years."

"Well, if they do, we'll throw a big bash. It's about time we had some fun around here."

Xander smiled again. "Sure thing Cam. I'm gonna take a shower. See you at dinner." It wasn't until the shower was running that Xander leaned his head against the cool tiles and cried.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Red, I'm not so sure this is a good idea." Spike sighed. He knew there was no way he was going to win this, having already agreed in a moment of weakness.

"You two can't keep avoiding each other forever, Spike. I respect your spiritual choices, but shunning Xander is hurting him. He gets all pill-buggy when your name is mentioned. He hasn't really smiled, and he doesn't laugh anymore, not that great big Xander laugh. He doesn't even snark about you anymore." Willow pulled out the big guns. "Plus you said you'd come, and I already told him you were coming."

Sighing, he gave in to the inevitable. "Sod it." He winced at his own language. "I'll be there, Red, but if it's a disaster, you are not to blame me, do you hear?" He ran a hand over the velvet of his just-buzzed head. _Wonder if he'll say something about the hair._

He could hear Willows satisfied smile in her voice. "Good! We'll see you next week, then? I have a room all set up for you!"

"Red, I can't stay there. I can take a cab home." He said a quick prayer, but then Willow's 'resolve voice' came over the phone. He could picture the look on her face.

"You are staying here with the rest of us, Mister. Dawn will cry if you're not there to watch her open her presents." He could hear the tapping of Willow's foot.

"This will not end well." Spike's fingers itched for a cigarette. He'd have more than usual to think about during his spiritual exercises that evening.

"Don't be ridiculous, Spike. It'll be fine. You'll see. We all miss you." He could hear the tears gathering in Willow's voice.

"Miss you, too, Red. See you next week." Spike hung up before his own tears could start. He hated having days off. Too much time to think. He knelt beside his bed, praying for the strength to do what he had to do.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spike got on the Tube with a weary sense of resignation. Seeing Xander was going to be the hardest thing he'd done since he left the hospital in L.A. _Writing the letter was harder, actually_ He sighed and leaned his head against the wall. He wondered if God were listening any more now than when he'd been a vampire. It didn't feel like it. He closed his eyes and whispered to himself, _"Deus meus, ex toto corde poenitet me omnium meorum peccatorum, eaque detestor, quia peccando, non solum poenas a te iuste statutas promeritus sum, sed praesertim quia offendi te, summum bonum, ac dignum qui super omnia diligaris. Ideo firmiter propono, adiuvante gratia tua, de cetero me non peccaturum peccandique occasiones proximas fugiturum. Amen."_ He knew the prayers in English, of course, but saying them in Latin comforted him somehow. He kept repeating it until he dozed off.

He woke up in Catford. _How did I get here?_ He got off the train, confused. He wasn't too far from Clock House, though, which was where he was meeting Red, it just wasn't the way he had planned to go. He went over to the track going in the right direction. He was about to step onto a train when he saw Xander step onto the platform. He almost turned and ran from the station. Taking a deep breath, he stepped onto the train, silently praying that Xander would choose a different car.

No such luck. "Hey," said a soft voice from above him. Spike looked up to see Xander before him. He was dressed much less provocatively than Spike was expecting, and he chided himself for expecting Xander to look like his album covers.

He swallowed several times before he could speak. "Hello." He honestly couldn't think of anything else to say.

"The hair looks good on you." _Could you be any lamer?_ "Err… it's different, but good."

"Thanks." Spike rubbed his hand over the peach fuzz self-consciously. "Look, I should apologize – "

"Don't." Xander said icily. He sighed. "I'd like to leave the incredibly painful past in the past, and move on from where we are now, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." Spike looked down. Xander was wearing the same pair of ratty Vans he'd been wearing in the alley. A universe away, an eternity ago.

"So, uh… Wills tells me you're at Oxford. That's so amazing. What are you studying?"

"Classical Languages and Literature. And I'm tutoring over at St. Ignatius a few times a week." It felt incredibly odd to be talking to Xander about this part of his life. He looked up carefully, to see Xander smiling at him. His heart skipped several beats.

"I can see where you'd be suited for that. I remember you helping Dawnie with her homework." The smile was hurting Xander's face, but he'd be damned if he'd break down now.

_ Deus meus, ex toto corde poenitet me omnium meorum peccatorum, eaque detestor, quia peccando, non solum poenas a te iuste statutas promeritus sum…_ "Yeah. Miss the Bit." He was so not going to make it through this.

"You, uh… don't have to stay away on my account, you know. If you don't want me to be around when you visit her, I'm sure we can work something out."

The pain in Xander's eyes felt worse than the pole through his stomach ever had. "No!" He bit down on his tongue until his mouth filled with blood. Somehow, it was still a comforting taste. In a few seconds, he had regained control. "It's not you. I didn't leave because of you. This is just something I have to do. You've been a white hat your entire existence, and I know you don't understand. I have so much to atone for." His voice was low, and he couldn't look at Xander.

"You're right, I don't understand." Xander said, and sat down beside him. "I'd like to, though. I'd like to still be a part of your life, even if you don't want to be with me. I don't want you to hurt. I'd like to help you find the forgiveness you're looking for." Xander cleared his throat, trying to get rid of the lump that was suddenly there. "We were friends for a while there. I'd like to get that back, if we can." Xander took his hand, lacing their fingers together, and squeezed. "We're Sunnydale survivors, after all. We should stick together."

"I'd like that," Spike managed to choke out, and squeezed back. They rode the rest of the way to Clock House in silence, not letting go.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Willow met them at the station, not even blinking an eye at their clasped hands. She just grabbed Xander's other hand and chattered at them, keeping them smiling, and distracting them from the brooding they were both on the precipice of.

Dinner went well, a mishmash of American and British, Christian and pagan traditions. Spike said grace, Willow did a goddess blessing, Giles complained about being the one to have to do the dishes, Xander ate enough to feed three people his size. "Wow, I haven't had real food in a long, long time." He burped, and the girls all giggled.

"We've missed you, Xan," Buffy says, sweeping him into a hug that would crush lesser men. Spike winces in sympathy, but Xander just grins.

"Missed you, too, my Buffy-shaped friend." They both grin at his twisting of their old joke.

They sat around the fireplace in living room. Xander noted that Spike chose to sit in a chair away from the rest of them. He mentally sighed. It had been going so well, but he had probably pushed too hard. Well, he'd give Spike some time with the girls. "Ladies, gents, I am going to go crash. The usual room Willow?" She nodded and he headed upstairs, grabbing his backpack from the foyer.

Dawn excused herself to use the bathroom, but went upstairs instead. She knocked on Xander's door, but there was no answer, so she pushed it open. Xander was curled up on the bed, still in his clothes, and trying to cry quietly. He started when she lay down behind him, but relaxed when he saw it was her. He tried to choke back his tears. "It's okay Xander. You can cry. I know it hurts. We all feel like we lost him, but no one was in love with him like you were." Xander's quiet sobbing continued until he had exhausted himself, and he fell asleep.

Dawn looked at Xander asleep in the bed, and came to a decision. This had to end. It was late, but she knocked on Willow and Kennedy's door anyway. "Willow, we have to do something," she said resolutely to the rumpled-looking redhead in the doorway. Willow smiled and motioned her in.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I once was better.  
> I put off all my grief.  
> I put off all my grief.  
> And so I go to hell, I wait for it,  
> but someone's left me creased.  
> And Someone's left me creased"

Xander woke in the wee hours, and stumbled to the bathroom down the hall. After he washed his hands he went to the window and opened it. The air was crisp, and there had been a little snow while he slept. He let the chill sweep the lingering traces of dreams from his mind. He noticed there was a light on in the window across from him. The window was also open. The curtains blew aside a little, and he could see Spike kneeling the sill. He could hear Spike's voice, but not make out what he was saying. He shut the window, and left the bathroom, fully intending to go to Spike and shut the damn window before he froze to death, but he stopped outside the door.

"…if it's wrong to love him, why can't I leave him behind? Why was I posted here where I can't escape him? I can't be in the same room with him without wanting to grab a hold of him and never let go." There was a muffled sob. "What should I do? I have to leave. I'll ask for reassignment." There was a few moments of silence. "Thank you. Amen." The window shut with a soft bump. Xander turned around and went back to his room.

Spike had left the hospital in L.A. without calling anyone. He left a note at the nurses station. Xander took it out of his pocket and opened it, reading the words again.

_
    
    
    Xander,
    
    I don't know how to say this. I love you, and I always will,  
    	but we aren't meant to be. I was useless as a human the first time   
    around, and a demon for far too long. There are things I'll never  
    be able to make right. I have to try, though.
    
    I hope someday you might find it in your heart to forgive me.
    
    ~Spike

_

"I'd stop loving you if I knew how. But I don't." Xander placed the well-worn paper back in his pocket, and stripped. He pulled an old black tee out of his pack and held it to his face. The smell of Spike was nothing but sense-memory at this point, but Xander still clung to the shirt like it was a lifeline. It was the only thing Spike had left behind in the hospital. Xander lay down, clutching it to his chest, and slept.

He dreamed of Spike. He could see Spike even though everything was black and darkness around them. Spike saw him, too. Xander could see want in his eyes. Xander tried to step forward, but he was floating. He couldn't feel anything like water, but it was warm, like a bath, around him. He eventually figured out how to 'swim' through the space between them. Spike held him by the hips and righted him. They were inches apart. In that weird dreaming way, he suddenly realized neither of them was wearing anything. _I'm dreaming_ But Spike was smiling at him, and he stopped caring that it wasn't real, as he was pulled close, and kissed. Spike's hands were warm against his skin, and never stopped moving, like he couldn't get enough of Xander's skin. Gravity returned gently, allowing them traction as their hips bumped and slid against each other. Xander wrapped his hand around the hardness between Spike's legs. Spike gripped him in turn, and soon they were both stroking in tandem. Spike was trembling, and Xander pressed him against a wall that hadn't been there a few moments ago, and slid to his knees.

Spike's mouth was forming words, but Xander hadn't heard a sound since this dream started. It was completely silent. Still, Xander stopped, not touching him, just in case. Spike gave him a desperate look and twined fingers in his hair. He didn't pull, but Xander could see his lips shape the word 'please.' That was enough for Xander, who moved forward and took Spike's cock into his mouth. He'd not given many blowjobs. He'd only been out for a few months when Spike started writing to him. Xander had fallen in love with him from thousands of miles away, though it was months before he would admit it to himself, much less the man who was still a vampire at the time. But again, with the strange perfection you only see in dreams, the moved together like a single being. Xander was able to swallow Spike all the way down with ease. Spike started to thrust erratically, and Xander stroked himself, knowing they were both close.

Xander woke with a start, his mouth salty and bitter, and the sheets sticky where he'd come. A few rooms down, Spike also woke with sticky sheets. If anyone could hear them both, they would have heard both men swear in unison.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Present opening was somewhat strained the next morning. The whole group held their breath when Spike held out a square box in blue and silver paper to Xander. Xander took it, exchanging it for an unwrapped book. "The man at the bookstore told me the acid in the wrapping paper would be bad for the book. It's kinda old."

Spike looked at the cover without speaking for several moments. "This must have cost a fortune." He stroked the cover, like he was trying to soothe the book instead of himself.

Xander just shrugged. "It's not like I don't have it to spend. I thought you'd like it." He looked down.

"Oh, I do, pet. Not too many people can make me speechless. How did you know I liked Caverley?"

"You had the book when you lived in the basement. You hid it in the locked box in the closet most of the time, but once you left it between the couch cushions." Xander cleared his throat. "I'm sorry that I didn't save yours, but I think this one is from the same printing."

"Should open yours, Xander." Spike's voice was rough.

"Oh, yeah." Xander picked the paper off carefully, and opened the box. He pulled out a lump of amber bigger than his fist with a perfect [](http:) luna moth trapped inside. "Wow," he breathed. "This is amazing."

 

They avoided each other's eyes for the rest of the afternoon.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spike was the first to leave. He hugged the girls goodbye, and shook hands with Giles and Xander. Xander sat in his chair and stared at the door for a long time after he left. Giles put a hand on his arm after twenty minutes or so. "Do you want a ride home?"

"Yeah, I think that'd be good." Goodbyes were said, and hugs given. Dawn demanded comp tickets to his next London concert, which were duly promised. When they finally escaped to the car, Xander leaned his head against the back of the seat and close his eyes.

"Xander, is there anything I can do to help you?" Giles said, as they sat in the car outside Willoughby Street. "I can see that this situation is still causing you some pain."

Xander snorted. "Understatement of the year, G-man." He sat up and looked at the house across the street. "I can't seem to leave him behind. I know he doesn't want me. But I still want him. I can't be near him without wanting to touch him, but I'd rather die than spend another two years without him." Xander leaned his head on the dashboard. "I told him that I wanted to be his friend, but I think that might actually kill me. What am I going to do?"

"I think it's a little hasty to say he doesn't want you." Giles pulled a small book, almost a pamphlet, out of his pocket and handed it to Xander.

"Victorian Love Symbolism?" Xander raised a querying eyebrow at Giles.

"Flip through it when you have the time. You might find it enlightening." He fixed Xander with a serious look. "Also I'd like you to take into consideration that there might be emotional consequences to finding yourself suddenly human, after over a hundred years of being one of the most notorious vampires in history." Giles looked away, out the window, at the sliver of moon overhead. "If you love him, you'll wait until he gets over his crisis of conscience."

Xander had no doubt it was Ethan Rayne who Giles wished had waited for him. He wondered if the mage was still with the Initiative, and shuddered. Maybe there were some favors he could pull in from the various slayers and non-violent demons he'd met in his travels. He made a mental note to make some calls. "I know, Giles. I do love him, and I'm trying to wait. It just hurts. I wish I knew what happened."

"He'll talk about it when he's ready, son." He smoothed Xander's hair off his forehead.

Between the endearment and the unusually affectionate gesture, Xander was a little flustered. "I should, uh… go get some sleep. We're going to start recording tomorrow."

"Good night, Xander. Don't be a stranger."

"Won't. I'll have my cell." Xander waved and bounded up the stairs.

Giles sighed as he waited for the door to be unlocked, and Xander to be safely inside. London's outskirts were hardly Sunnydale, but you couldn't be too careful.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Spike was surprised to find he had mail. No-one ever sent him anything. He almost didn't open it when he saw the familiar handwriting. He put it in the drawer of his desk, finally, and decided he would open it before bed. Being too distracted to sleep would only bother him.

Unfortunately, not knowing the contents of the envelope did not keep it from distracting him. He thought of little else all day. His students noticed the difference, and spent most of the afternoon passing notes. He hardly noticed when the bell rang, and it was only the usual mass chaos that resulted that snapped him out of it.

After evening prayer, he sat at the desk and stared forlornly at the closed drawer. He finally opened it, and removed the cream colored envelope. He traced his name with two fingertips. _Brother William Trask_. He tore it open. There was a plain card inside, which he also opened.
    
    
    __
    
    
    William,  
    			Please do me the honor of accompanying me for tea,  
    			tomorrow afternoon. I will be at Zerelda Lee's, just  
    			outside Piccadilly, at 3:30. Do they serve blooming   
    			onions in London?
    
    ~X
    
    
    

Spike frantically tried to find a prior commitment that would allow him to miss tea with Xander. He even went so far as to ask his superior general for an assignment, but it seemed there wasn't one to give him. Resigned, he resolved to go, but to make his excuses after a short visit. He dressed in 'civilian' clothes, deciding that it might be easier.

Xander was reading at a table near the window when Spike stepped into Zerelda's. "Errr… Hi." He had no idea what to say. Xander put the book on the table, and Spike saw it was an English translation of the Qu'ran.

Catching Spike's look, Xander took the book and out it in his bag. "Sorry, it wasn't meant to be offensive. It's just that a lot of the girls are Muslim, having come from Africa or the Middle East. I figured it would be easier to help them adjust if I understood where they were coming from. And also, hi. I'm glad you came. I was worried that you'd be ticked about me calling you William, or getting your address, or even inviting you in the first place." He looked up at Spike, who was still standing. "Oh! Please, sit." Xander stood, and pushed the other chair out from across the table. His shirt rode up, and Spike could see his lower back. There were two lines in a typewriter-like font, a tattoo. It said, "Love's icy tomb, dug open for you, Lies in a cemetery that bears my name." Spike had no doubt that the words referred to him.

He felt his heart twist, but sat down anyway. The waiter came with a bored, "Take your order?" Xander ordered Earl Grey, no sweetener. Spike just nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

"So, uh, like I was saying, sorry. How's it going?" Xander continued his interrupted babble.

Spike tried to smile, but he was sure it came out as more of a grimace. "No, no. It's fine. I've read it myself, actually, as part of my studies. And we agreed to get together. And William is my name, a letter to 'Spike' would not have reached me."

"I kind of figured that. Do you prefer to be called William? 'Cause I can do that." Xander fiddled with a spoon, not looking at him.

Spike was silent for several moments. "I'm not sure I'm ready to be William to you, yet." His voice was rough, and so quiet Xander had to strain to hear him.

"I'm sorry. Didn't mean to go there." Xander kept twisting the spoon around between his hands.

"If you don't stop apologizing I'll be forced to hit you, and then I'll have to do penance." Spike joked lamely. "You're not the only one involved here," he continued more seriously, "and if anyone should be apologizing…" He let it peter off, not wanting to hear Xander's voice turn icy.

The tea came, and there were several minutes of awkward silence. Spike wrapped his hands around the cup and just held it, letting the warmth comfort him. Xander sighed. "I'm totally screwing this up, aren't I?"

"Xander…" Spike started, but then looked up into the brown eyes fixed on him with longing.

"It's just… I miss you, you know? I have more guy friends now, with the band and all, but you're the only one that would understand Sunnydale. And my sense of humor does not go over well with anyone but you. Especially here." Xander gestured out the window, indication the street outside, London, possibly the whole of Britain. He looked down, and a single tear rolled off his cheek, into his tea. "Shit. I thought I could do this." He swiped a hand across his eyes. "I gotta go, before I make this any worse."

Spike stood between Xander and the door. "Let me walk you to the tube, at least." He snagged Xander's hand, threading their fingers together like Xander had done to him a few weeks ago.

Xander just nodded, afraid he'd break down if he tried to speak. They walked hand in hand the three or so blocks to the tube station, and stopped awkwardly outside. Neither of them knew what to say.

Xander looked up at the station sign, and then over at Spike. "I guess we're here."

Spike looked at the sign as well. "Yeah." He looked at Xander and their eyes locked. Spike's heart tripped, skipped a few beats, and then started rabbiting. Xander's eyes were very dark, the color of fine chocolate. Unconsciously, they swayed together, closing the distance between them. Their lips met, and Xander tried to pull back, but Spike fisted his hands in the shaggy brown hair, not letting him go. After a few seconds, the kiss turned hungry on both sides, and Xander whimpered into Spike's mouth.

"Get a bloody room!" yelled someone trying to get past them into the station. They jumped apart as if shocked. They looked at each other for several moments, Xander's eyes growing sadder as Spike's became more horrified.

"I have to go." Xander turned and bolted into the station.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And why'd you fill my sorrow  
> With the words you've borrowed  
> From the only place that you've known  
> Why'd you sing Hallelujah  
> If it means nothing to you  
> Why'd you sing with me at all?"

A few days later Xander found a DVD marked only with his name in the mailbox. He sighed, knowing what the contents would probably be. He went upstairs to his room and locked the door, popping the disc into his laptop. He wasn't surprised to see Spike.

"I want you to understand that this isn't easy for me. I know I should be telling you this in person, but I just can't. I'm sorry." Spike scrubbed his face with hands that were every bit as thin and pale as they had been in Sunnydale. "It's not that I don't have feelings for you. I do. You know I do. I just can't be with you. I know you want to understand, but I have no way to really explain." There was a long pause, and Spike stared off past the camera. "Someone came to visit me, in L.A. that last day. They offered some pretty convincing proof that this was what I was supposed to be doing." Spike sighed and looked back into the camera. "I know this is hurting you. It's hurting me, too. So I asked for reassignment. I'm leaving for Rome tonight." Spike's eyes started to look wet, and he turned his head to the side again. "If I do this right, they're be a place in heaven for me." He looked back at the camera. "If heaven is what they tell me it is, we'll be together there." The screen went blue. Xander stared at it for a long time before gently closing the laptop and placing it on the bedside table. It took a lot of effort not to fling it across the room.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

__

The food that I'm eating  
Is suddenly tasteless  
I know I'm alone now  
I know what it tastes like  
So break me to small parts  
Let go in small doses  
But spare some for spare parts  
There might be some good ones  
Like you might make a dollar  
I'm inside your mouth now  
Behind your tonsils   
Peaking over your molars  
You're talking to him now  
And you've eaten something minty  
And you're making that face that I like  
And you're going in, in for the kill, kill  
For the killer kiss, kiss for the kiss, kiss…

 

"That's a wrap, folks," James, the producer said. "Three songs today. You guys are on fire. We'll have the album wrapped in two weeks, at this rate."

"Helps that they're all breakup songs and three out of four of us got dumped over the holidays." Cam said, morosely.

Jared sat next to Cameron, "Hey, man. Owen left the door open. When you're ready to make a commitment he'll be back. At least he knows you're alive," Jared sighed, shooting a look at Xander's back. He was deep in conversation with Tanya, the artist they'd hired for this album.

"Dude, he's not interested in her. Lex never talks anything but business with girls. I'm pretty sure he'd say yes if you asked him out. In fact, I heard him complaining about the fact that he has no plans for tonight. It's New Year's man. Turn over a new leaf. Find a party to ask him to. Nothing is ever gonna happen if you just sit back and wait for him to notice you." Cam clapped Jared on the shoulder.

Randy collapsed into the chair next to them. "Lex seriously needs some fun, Jar. He's headed the Cobain route, if he doesn't feel some love soon."

"You think?" Jared looked speculatively at the man across the room. "Well, Can't let that happen, can I?" With a rakish grin at the other two, he crossed the room to interrupt Xander's conversation. Guiding him away from a grinning Tanya with a hand at the small of his back, he led him into the kitchen. Pouring himself and Xander a soda, he leaned against the wooden counter. "James has a nice house, huh?"

"Yeah," Xander looked around as if seeing it all for the first time, though they'd been there a week already. "Nice of him to let us record here."

"Yeah, he's a cool guy. He invited me to this New Year's party, in the city. Some club, supposed to be up and coming. My ticket says I can bring a guest, and I was wondering if you'd like to go check it out." Jared searched Xander's face.

"I'm, uh… not really party guy, just now, Jar. Things are…"

"Hey, no pressure. Just thought you might like to do the free booze and fake breasts thing for awhile, forget about business."

"Well, breasts are kinda not really my thing, but free booze actually sounds decent," Xander grinned, relenting. "When do we leave?"

"Well, being rockstars, we have time for naps and showers before we are perfectly fashionably late." Jared grinned back. "Unless you'd rather watch a movie, or something?"

"Movie sounds good. Whatcha got?" They started walking toward the stairs.

"Tell you what, you can rifle through what I brought with me, and pick." Jared took Xander's hand, on the pretense of pulling him along faster.

Xander was reminded of how long he'd been alone when the warmth of Jared's hand traveled up his arm and directly to his cock. "I get to pick, hrmmm?" He walked Jared backward to the door of his room. "What if I pick watching you?" He ran his hands under Jared's tee, tracing the muscles of his abdomen around to his lower back.

"Watch me what?" Jared teased.

Xander grinned and opened the door. Walking them through it, he kicked it shut behind him. "Strip."  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spike stared at the reflection in the mirror of Xander, _his Xander,_ and another man. Angel leaned against the wall, a sorrowful look on his face. "See, William? He doesn't really love you. He never did. No one does. No one can, after everything you've done. You are meant to be alone, forever. What made you think you could earn a place in heaven beside him?"

"You told me I could." Spike wished he could stop the tears, he'd never liked giving Angelus that particular satisfaction, but it just hurt too much, and besides, Angel was dead, who was he gonna tell?

"Well, I was just trying to get you out before you got hurt."

"Sodding bang up job, there." Spike couldn't even work up the acid the remark deserved. There was a knock at the door, and Angel was gone.

"F-father Kolvenbach, I was not expecting you." Spike stammered.

"Well, William, no one expects the Superior General," quipped the wizened brother, peering around the room. Chuckling at his own joke, he sat on the edge of the small bed, motioning for Spike to sit at the desk. "Brother Ngebe tells me you are fasting again."

"Yes, sir." Spike's penchant for self-flagellation was well known in the brotherhood, even after only a few weeks in Rome.

The older man sighed. "William, I know where you come from, and the things you are trying to atone for. A certain amount of bodily mortification is certainly good for the building of a strong spirit, but done to excess, it will weaken you. I have no doubt as to your faith, Will," the older man fixed him with a piercing stare. "However, I feel there is something you are hiding."

"Father Kolvenbach, I – "

Sighing again, the older priest interrupted. "William, I'm not here as your Superior, or even as a priest. I'm here as an old man who has seen many a man go astray because they tried to carry something not meant to be carried alone." He put a hand on Spike's knee. "I'm here as someone who has come to care for you since you took your vows." He straightened, looking at the small pile of CDs on the desk, and nodded, as if coming to a decision. "I'm here as someone you can confide in, concerning the things in your heart." He looked steadily into Spike's eyes. "Right here, right now, I am Hans, and you are Spike, and we will speak the truth to each other."

"Sir, I…" Spike started.

"Hans." The older man corrected.

"Hans. The things in my heart are not godly things. It isn't a struggle of the spirit I'm experiencing, but one of the flesh." Spike tried to hedge.

"Spike, can the flesh exist without spirit? You of all beings should know the answer to that." A twinkle came to the man's faded blue eyes. "So, what's his name?"

Spike gaped. "I, uh…" It was a venal sin to lie to priest, but…

"Spike. You're human now, you need to breathe. Please do so." Hans tried not to chuckle, but the corners of his mouth turned up anyway. "You are hardly the first man of the cloth to struggle with celibacy, Spike. You might find it helps to talk about it. I did, when I first took the collar."

"You…?" Spike floundered for words.

Chuckling, the priest replied, "Yes, me. Probably the Pope too, when he was a young man." He crossed himself. "You're not alone. In fact, just the opposite. If there's a man in any religious calling that requires celibacy who hasn't struggled with it, he might be the Second Coming." He snorted. "Probably not even then." He looked up to find Spike still gaping at him. "You might want to shut that, in medieval times they thought leaving your mouth open too long let your soul fly out." He smiled at the helpless laughter that came from the frail-looking man across from him. "So tell me about Xander."

"You know about Xander?" Spike stopped laughing, suddenly. "I'm sorry. I'll be gone by morning, sir. I meant no disrespect…" Spike got up and started randomly opening drawers, flitting around the room.

Hans sighed and stood up slowly. "Spike. Spike. William, stop!" He grabbed the smaller man by the shoulders, and tilted his chin up so the younger man would look at him. "I told you, I'm not here to judge. Do me the kindness to sit down and listen." He waited until the other man was seated, and sat himself. "I've made a few calls, talked to some people. I know that you and Xander and your friends have done more to stem the tide of evil in the world than an army of Jesuits ten times your size. I know neither of you is happy without the other. What I'm trying to discover, is why you think being here is doing more for the state of your soul than being out there with him, with them?"

"I can't fight anymore. I'm human." Spike whispered.

"Am I to understand that Xander is a vampire?" Father Kolvenbach raised an eyebrow.

"No, he's human. Been possessed a few times, but nothing permanent." Spike thought about the hyena and the soldier.

"Yet he fought anyway?" The older priest asked pointedly.

"Yeah, foolish boy he was. Nearly died a hundred times over."

The old Jesuit nodded. "So you're afraid to fight because you're both human now, and you can't protect him."

"What? No!" Spike hung his head. "Yes."

"And no protection at all is better?" Mused the brother, as if to himself. "God is love, William. And for all that He's everywhere, real love is in short supply out there in the world." Kolvenbach laid a promo copy CD on the desk next to the others. "You might want to give some serious thought and prayer to why you are avoiding love." Before the door shut, the priest's voice came back to Spike, low, but sharp and clear, "Don't listen to what the Devil tells you, William. Make sure what you are hearing is the voice of God."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You will return to me.
> 
> You will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will.  
> You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You? Will. You, you will.  
> 'Cause if you don't, then this book is all lies  
> If you don't, then my plans would all be ruined  
> If you don't, I'll start drinking like the way I drank before  
> Oh, and I, I just won't have a future anymore."

Jared lay with his head on Xander's chest. "Dude, we are going to be soooo late."

"Yeah." Xander sighed. _Vikings in the sack should get more satisfaction out of sex._ "I'm going to go hop in the shower, and get dressed."

" 'Kay. Meet you in the living room in twenty?"

"Yep." Xander stood half-naked in the door. "Hey, Jar?"

"Yeah?" Jared looked up from where he was stretched out, satisfied, on the bed.

"Thanks."

"De nada, Lex." Jared rolled out of bed and padded to the bathroom attached to his room. "See ya in a few."

"Sure thing." Xander smiled, and walked down the hall to his room.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ten minutes later Xander stepped from the bathroom, toweling his hair dry. He rifled through the pile of clothes on the shelf of the armoire, looking for his good jeans. Sliding them on and zipping them up, he started slipping his 'detritus' into his pockets. Cell phone, wallet, keys, and the stake he'd never been able to convince himself to stop carrying, even though he'd not seen a vampire that wasn't Spike since he left Africa.

Shoving the stake down to hide it, he encountered some slightly crumpled paper. Pulling it out of his pocket, he recognized the booklet Giles had given him. _Victorian Love Symbolism._ He flipped through the book. _Apple, clove-studded orange, fan signs, moth? What the hell?_

**Moths:**  


_ "Drawn like a moth to a flame..." Symbolizing a dangerous or forbidden love that one finds irresistible. Attraction against the rules of morality or religion. Implies the probability of a tragic or doomed end._

  
Spike thinks we're doomed? Xander's eyes teared up a little, remembering what 'doomed' had meant for Buffy and Angel. Spike was afraid of losing his soul, his humanity. He was afraid of becoming a monster and destroying Xander. That was why he left L.A. That was why the vow of celibacy. That was why the avoidance, the transfer to another country, the tearful prayers he had over heard at Christmas. He flipped open his cell. "Jared, something came up. I'm gonna have to bail on the party. It's a family thing. Kiss a cute guy for me, 'kay?" He hung up, and dialed Willow.

"Wills? Yeah. I know, I'm sorry I bailed after Yule. Are you guys having a party? Gods, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt…" Xander waited patiently through a spate of Willow-babble. "Yeah, actually, I wanted to know how to get in touch with Spike." He held the phone away from his ear at the shrieking. "Willow are you drunk? Dawnie? Dawnie, you're DRUNK?! Yes I know you're twenty-one. What worked? You cast a _spell_ on me?! Spike too? The hell?" Xander leaned back on the pillows. "Okay, okay. No, you should tell me when you're sober so I'll at least have a tiny chance of understanding you. Are you going to tell me how to contact Spike, or not?" He scribbled a number down on the outside of the booklet. "Thanks, Dawnster. Yes, yes, I'll call when I've talked to him. NO! I will not tell you if we have sex. I don't care if Spike will." Xander blushed to his ears. "Dawnie, if I find out you've been scrying my bedroom, I'll… You're not to old for a beating, Dawn!" He turned a deeper shade of red. "I'll come up with something you _won't_ like, damn it!" Xander sighed and shook his head. "Good_bye_, Dawn." He flipped the phone shut. He stared at the number in his hands, he tried to summon the courage to dial it.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spike stared out the window, into the strangely warm Italian night. He had his earphones on, and held the walkman in his hands. The promo Transgression disk was in, but he hadn't pressed play. He looked down at the glowing blue buttons, took a deep breath, and pressed.

_ "We belong together  
Like the open seas and shores  
Wedded by the planet force  
We've all been spoken for_

The hammer may strike, be dead on the ground  
A net to my hand, a cross on his crown  
We're done if who we're undone  
Finished if who we are incomplete   
As one we are everything  
We are everything we need…" 1

Spike hurriedly hit the fast forward button, but not before he started to tremble. Xander's voice was so sad and lonely, it was like he was singing directly to Spike. The next song started, and Spike started to pace and he listened.

_ "In my hands  
A legacy of memories  
I can hear you say my name  
I can almost see your smile  
Feel the warmth of your embrace  
But there is nothing but silence now  
Around the one I loved  
Is this our farewell?_

Sweet darling you worry too much, my child  
See the sadness in your eyes  
You are not alone in life   
Although you might think that you are

Never thought  
This day would come so soon  
We had no time to say goodbye  
How can the world just carry on?  
I feel so lost when you are not at my side  
But there is nothing but silence now  
Around the one I loved  
Is this our farewell?"2

 

Spike jammed the fast forward button with his thumb, and sat down, trembling so much that standing was dangerous. _Not crying, not crying, not crying…_

_ "I've got a cupboard with cans of food,   
filtered water, and pictures of you   
and I'm not coming out until this is all over.  
And I'm looking through the glass   
Where the light bends at the cracks   
And I'm screaming at the top of my lungs   
Pretending the echoes belong to someone   
Someone I used to know_

And we become silhouettes when our bodies finally go…"3

 

Bloody, buggering hell. Spike hit the forward button again, knowing he'd go back and listen to all the songs completely, but unable to stop himself from _needing_ to know what song Xander would sing next.

_ "If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.   
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me. _

My lover, I give you my all; My friend, nothing more.

Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of love lost in the days gone by.   
My love is strong, with you there is no wrong,   
together we shall go until we die. My, my, my, my   
inspiration is what you are to me, inspiration, look... see."4

 

Spike thought of all the ends of the world the Scoobies had faced, and how Xander had been the one to hold them all up. Buffy died, and came back to life, Willow tried to destroy the world, the Hellmouth opened, the whole world changed, but Xander remained a constant. Loyal, foolishly brave, and loving. Spike hit the forward key again. The next song was painfully familiar. Spike had played it over and over during the whole Buffy debacle. He hummed along until a few words silenced him.

_ "So all alone I keep the wolves at bay  
There is only one thing that I can say…"_

He hadn't been there for Xander.

_ "You must explain why this must be  
Did you lie when you spoke to me_

Did you stand by me  
No, not at all

Now I got a job  
But it don't pay  
I need new clothes  
I need somewhere to stay  
But without all these things I can do  
But without your love I won't make it through

But you don't understand my point of view  
I suppose there's nothing I can do…"5

 

Spike pressed the pause button this time and thudded his head against the wall. Xander needed him. He looked speculatively toward the door of his room for a few moments, but decided to listen to the rest of the disc, first.

_ "When heroes go down  
They go down fast  
So don't expect any time to  
Equivocate the past_

When heroes go down  
They land in flame  
So don't expect any slow and careful  
Settling of blame

I heard you say  
You look out for the feet of clay  
That someone will be falling next  
Without the chance   
For last respects  
You feel the disappointment…"6

 

Forward again.

_ "You're going to love me, and never know the reason why  
And you're going to hurt me  
No you don't even have to try  
If I thought I could find a way  
To get out of this place alive  
I'd cast the first stone, not too big of me…_

Anything, anything but that, no anything  
Thought I told you, anything  
Anything but that, no anything at all

The sky is turning a darker shade of blue today  
and I'm still dreaming of everything I didn't say  
and I never believed you   
would take me on to heaven high  
but I'd still go with you, if you want me to try…"7

 

Fuck waiting. Spike changed into jeans and a tee, dumped the rest of his 'civvies' and the few discs he owned with the walkman into a backpack, and left the building without looking back.

 

 

 

 

 

**Songs:** _Some lyrics have been altered to fit the story, on the pretext that Xander would have changed them. Don't sue me._

  1. Gavin DeGraw - _We Belong Together_
  

  2. Within Temptation - _Our Farewell_
  

  3. The Postal Service - _ We Will Become Sillhouettes_
  

  4. Led Zeppelin - _Thank You_
  

  5. The Clash - _Train in Vain_
  

  6. Suzanne Vega - _When Heroes Go Down_
  

  7. Tollak - _Anything_




	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Small, simple, safe price
> 
> Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
> 
> This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and  
> heals.
> 
> And I am not afraid to die.
> 
> I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
> 
> I want the pain of payment.
> 
> What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts.
> 
> Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.
> 
> Would you be my little cut?
> 
> Would you be my thousand fucks?
> 
> And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
> 
> To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts.
> 
> My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
> 
> I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart.
> 
> Love is not like anything.
> 
> Especially A FUCKING KNIFE!"

Spike knocked on the door of the house he had been directed to by the housekeeper at Xander's address. The post box said _James Frank_ in scripted gold letters. Was this the man he had seen Xander with? Angel appeared beside him on the steps.  
"Don't knock on the door, Spike. You won't like what happens." Angel intoned, looking sad.

"I have to know," was Spike's only reply, as he knocked. The door opened to show a disheveled-looking man in a tee that said _I don't eat anything with a face._, and had a picture of a lambs head. Spike took an instant disliking, and told himself it had nothing to do with the man's 'just-fucked' look.

"Can I help you?" The man's tone was not unpleasant, and Spike called on William's best manners.

"I hope so." Spike smiled in what he hoped was more charming a manner than the grimace he wanted to make. "I was told by the housekeeper at Alexander Harris' house that he could be found here. I'd like to speak with him, if I could."

"Oh, he went to a party last night, and hasn't come back yet, which I hope means he's getting some. I'm Cameron, a member of the band. Are you a friend of Lex's?"

"I was, once." Spike said sadly, turning to go. 'I'll, uh… catch up with him later."

"Wait a minute." Cameron opened the screen door, and stepped out on to the porch in his bare feet. "You're Lex's ex, aren't you?" He barely waited for Spike's nod before he continued. "Look, he's been miserable over you for two years. Last night he hooked up with one of the other members of the band and went to a party, instead of drinking alone in his room. I think he has a chance at being happy. So why don't you just go, and I won't tell him you were here. Loving you is killing him. He's better off with you not in his life."

"Yeah, I know." Spike walked out into the street without looking, and just kept walking. He could hear Angel follow behind him, whistling a tune he thought he knew…  
***  
_The Night Before:_

"Lex, I know you're in there, open the door!" Jared thumped the door to the room Xander was staying in.

The door opened to reveal Xander struggling into a hoodie. "Jared… Hi. Look, I've got some family stuff, an uh… emergency. The uh, baby is sick, and I need to go help."

"No. You are _not_ giving me the brush-off. We are going to this party." Jared crossed his arms, blocking the doorway.

"I _can't_." Xander shoved the hood back, and straightened the bottom of the sweatshirt.

"You _can_, and you will." Jared grabbed Xander's elbow and dragged him out the door.

Xander felt the beat of the club's music while they were still a block away, and his head started to throb in time with it. Jared steered him toward a table.

"Gonna go get us some drinks." Jared told him, with what Xander supposed was supposed to be a charming smile, before dancing off toward the bar. When he danced his way back, he was carrying four jello shots and two beers. Xander ignored the jello, but chugged the beer. Jared smiled again. "Now, we are going to have some fun. Wanna dance?"

Xander tried to shake his head, but it was too heavy. When he tried to stand, it floated away from his body, and he lost track of what his body was doing.  
***

"Christ, Xander, you sure do know how to pick 'em." Xander heard someone say when his head came crashing back. His spine was broken and his head was filed to bursting with molten metal. He tried to ask what had happened, but al that came out was a small croak.

"Here," a different voice said, and something cool was put to his lips. It was wet. Water. _Oh,_ water! He gulped half the cup down, before the voice pulled the cup away, saying, "Slow down, Xander, you'll choke."

He tried to open his eye, and got it open a slit before the light shredded it. "Blind," he croaked again.

"No, not blind, just messed up on some weird English roofies your drummer gave you," the first voice spoke again. "Try to sleep, okay? You'll feel better when you wake up, I promise."  
***

"Where are you going?" Angel wanted to know.

"For a walk." Spike didn't look at him.

"I tried to tell you-"

"Sod off." Spike picked up the pace, but he was no match for his incorporeal former sire.

"Spike." There was no response. "_Spike._" Spike walked into a boarding house, rented a room, walked up the stairs and into his room, all without responding. _"William."_ Spike jerked the curtains shut, toed off his shoes, and flopped back on the bed, all without speaking. "You can't avoid me, William."

_"Deus meus, ex toto corde poenitet me omnium meorum peccatorum, eaque detestor, quia peccando, non solum poenas a te iuste statutas promeritus sum, sed praesertim quia offendi te, summum bonum, ac dignum qui super omnia diligaris. Ideo firmiter propono, adiuvante gratia tua, de cetero me non peccaturum peccandique occasiones proximas fugiturum,_ Spike whispered.

Angel laughed. "Do you really think that he listens to you? Mumbling words written in a dead language, centuries ago, is accomplishing what?"

Spike rolled over, turning his back on Angel. " 'M tired, 'Gelus. Go away."

Angel laughed again. "Sweet dreams, William."  
***

When Xander woke the second time is was blessedly dark. He opened his eyes slowly. "Ow."

Dawn sat next to his legs on the bed, and handed him a glass of water, and two of what Xander thought of as 'Tylenol' even though it wasn't. Might be McVities. Or was that cookies? "Earth to Xander?" Dawn waved her hand in front of his face.

"Sorry. So did you say Jared drugged me?" Xander finished the water in three large gulps.

"Well, actually, it wasn't Jared. He was drugged too. About thirty people in the club were. Do you know why?"

"No." Xander thought for several minutes. "If it weren't for the screaming headache, I'd say it was a pretty good practical joke."

"_So_ not funny," Willow added when she stepped into the room. "Nearly two thirds of the people who were identified as having been drugged last night are in the hospital. Most of them have head injuries, from falling. Some are having a bad reaction to whatever chemical was in their drink." Willow sat next to Xander, and smoothed the damp hair away from his forehead. "Can I just say I'm glad you were sitting down?"

Xander smiled. "Yeah. I survive by sheer blind luck." He shook his head, still smiling. "Spike used to say that I was watched over by the god who watched all fools, but he must have a special liking for me." He held his head in his hands. "Oookay, no more shaking. Ow."

"Lay back, Xander. You need to rest." Willow got up, and walked to the door. "Dawnie, Don't wind him up." She grinned, and left.

Xander lay back with a sigh. "This is going to be a long, boring night."

"I brought Ulysses…" Dawn piped up, hopefully.

"Too headachey to read, Dawnie. Raincheck for when I'm feeling better?"

"I thought I could read to you, this time. You've always read to me, when I was sick or hurt." Dawn spoke quietly, feeling a little shy about the subject. "I mean, I know a lot of it didn't actually happen…"

"We both remember it." Xander interjected. "Therefore, it happened for us, and that's all that matters."

"You've been doing that for years, too." Dawn practically whispered, smiling softly.

"Doing what?" Xander peeled his eye open to look at Dawn.

"Making me feel real." Dawn took Xander's hand, and squeezed gently.

Xander just smiled and closed his eye. "I believe someone mentioned a story? Ulysses, to boot."

Dawn opened the book in her lap and began to read. "British Beatitudes! … Beer, beef, business, bibles, bulldogs, battleships, buggery and bishops."

"No, no, no, Dawnie… You have to start at the beginning, and do the voices!" Xander interrupted, a mimicry of Dawn as a child.

Dawn's eyeroll was practically audible. She exhaled a loud sigh, and began to read in a faux-deep voice. She looked up after a few sentences to discover Xander practically crying from trying not to laugh. She pushed his knees in an imitation of the irritation she'd frequently bestowed him with as a teen. "Bastard," she muttered under her breath, before beginning to read again, in her normal voice.  
***

"We lost Sascha last night," Giles said quietly to Willow in the kitchen. "Rona told me she thought it was a Bringer."

"Sascha was the really blonde one, right?" Buffy interjected.

Willow just nodded. "We've been losing too many girls lately. We need more Watchers."

"We need funding for that." Giles replied. "Sascha was one of the few students who could afford to pay tuition."

"She's been bankrolling some of the girls sending letters home, too." Buffy sighed. "This is going to hit the girls hard."

The three adults sighed in unison. It had been a hard winter.  
***

A few hours later, Willow came upstairs and knocked on Xander's door. "Xander? Dawn?" She opened the door. Dawn was lying head to foot with Xander, Ulysses spread open across her stomach. They were both asleep. "Mr. Kolvenbach? Mr. Harris is asleep, can I have him call you back? Excuse me? William? Oh, hold on…" She shook Xander's shoulder. "Xan, phone call."

A sleepy Xander opened his eye, and took the phone. " 'Llo?" He covered the mouthpiece and yawned. "William? Oh god, is he okay? Where is he? You _don't know_ where he is?" Xander made writing motions in the air, and Willow went to the desk and got a pen and a small notepad. "Okay, shoot." Xander scribbled some numbers down. "And your name? Father Kolvenbach? Can you spell that?" Xander wrote the name down. "My cell is 020 7569 4888. Yes. Yes, I'm going to go look for him now. If he contacts you, please call me. Yes, I'll call when I find him. Thank you. Bye." Xander flipped the phone shut.

"I'm going, too." Dawn sat up and smoothed her hair.

"I'll take Rona." Willow added. "I'll get Giles to take Magdalena, and Faith can take Katie. Betine is still at the hospital, so I'll have Jocelyn stay at the house in case he comes here."  
***

Spike knocked at the door of the Council house. He waited several minutes, and tried ringing the bell, but still there was no answer. He was going back down the stairs, when a blonde girl with several envelopes in her hand, flipping through them, and organizing their order. "Um, hello?"

She looks up, a little surprised. "Hi." She smiles cheerfully. "Are you looking for someone?"

"Willow Rosenberg, or Rupert Giles. Any of the adults here, actually."

"Oh! They all went out for lunch with Xander and his new boyfriend." She grins again. "He's totally cute, too," she adds, lowering her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Can I leave them a message?"

"No, that's okay." Spike manages, turning away. He doesn't look back to see the blonde girl smile, and disappear.  
***

Xander visited every Catholic church they passed, asking for Brother William Trask, recently arrived from Rome. No one had seen or heard from him. "Dawnie, do you think maybe he's looking for me? Maybe we should check Willoughby Street."

Dawn took over the driving so Xander could concentrate on the phone. "Aziza, hi! Has anyone come to the house for me? He did?! You told him I was at Mr. Frank's house? No, no 'Zeez, I'm just clarifying. You have no idea how glad I am you were there. I owe you a huge bonus." Xander laughed at Aziza's acerbic response. "Well, when I find him, we're taking you out to dinner." He laughed again. "Sure, make reservations for tomorrow night for three, or four if you have someone you'd like to bring. Thank you 'Ziza, you're the best!" Xander flipped his phone shut. "Left on that street over there, Dawn."

At James' house, Xander burst through the door flying through the living room, to then den, and then the kitchen, Dawn following at a more sedate pace. Xander found Cameron in the kitchen, eating a bowl of chocolate Shreddies. " 'Lex?" he asked through a mouthful. "S'up?"

"Where is he?" Xander demanded. "Aziza said she sent him here."

Cameron swallowed his mouthful. "Who?"

"Spike, my boyfriend." Xander spoke slowly as if explaining to a small child.

"Thought he was your ex. You went out with Jared last night."

"I don't have to explain anything to you, Cam, and even if I did, I don't have time right now. Where is he?" Xander was starting to get really angry.

"I, uh… told him you were out with Jared, and he left." Cameron hedged.

"Exactly what did you say to him, Cameron?" Xander spoke precisely and quietly, and Dawn started constructing a spell in her head to keep Xander from attacking the other man.

Cameron took the quietness as concession, and smiled. "Told him you were better off without him, and that he should go and not come back."

Xander threw the first punch without changing expression. "Captus!" Dawn shouted before Xander could land another punch. Xander struggled for a moment, but eventually sagged into the chair across from the one Cameron had occupied before Xander had knocked him out of it. "I know how you feel, Xander, but fighting with him is wasting time we need to find Spike." She turned to Cameron and her eyes narrowed. "You might think about treating Xander like an adult. He's not stupid, and you know nothing about his relationship with Spike." She made a motion with her hand, and was suddenly holding a ball of green fire. "Xander has powerful friends, and we don't like meddlers, got me?" Another motion, and the fire was gone.

Cameron took a deep breath. "Got you." He scrambled backward out the kitchen door.

"Paliesti." Dawn said, turning back to Xander, who stood. "Where do you think he'd go?"

Xander frowned. "I don't know Dawnie. I don't know." He put his head in his hands.

Dawn paced and thought. "He'd probably want to be alone…" She continued pacing. The sun came from behind a cloud, and streamed through the kitchen window, so bright it caused Dawn to look up. "Mom?" she asked in a shaky voice, causing Xander to look up.

"It's good to see both of you, Dawn, Xander." Joyce's form said from within the light. She held up a hand to forestall Dawn. "I'm not solid, sweety. I'm here to help, what little I'm allowed to." Joyce rolled her eyes toward something above her head, in exactly the same way she'd rolled her eyes when Dawn had driven her crazy with irritation. "You need to find Spike. The First Evil is trying to gain control of him again." She opened her mouth to say more, but no sound came out. She sighed. "I guess that's all I'm allowed to tell you. Spike is in danger."

Xander asked, "How do we find him?"

Joyce was silent for a moment, closing her eyes. When she opened them again, she replied, "I can't tell you that either I'm afraid." She looked pointedly at Dawn, and then at the spot on the floor where Cameron had been lying, moments ago. "I love all of you. Don't be afraid. You've beaten the First before, and you can do it again." She looked at Xander. "If I'd had a son, I would have wanted him to be just like you. You have a good heart, Xander." She paused again, as if listening. "He loves you. Remember that, no matter what he says, okay?"

Xander nodded, and he and Dawn stared as Joyce faded away. "I have an idea," Dawn whispered, when the light went behind a cloud again.

Dawn went to the front yard, and placed both hands on the sycamore tree near the gate. She whispered for a few moments, something Xander couldn't hear. There was a breeze suddenly. It felt strangely warm for almost February, and it set the trees up and down the street rustling before it died out. A few moments later, another breeze floated by, and the trees rustled again. Dawn cocked her head as if listening. "Let's go, it's not far." Dawn grabbed Xander's arm and practically dragged him to the car.

"I think you need to spend less time with Willow," was Xander's only remark.  
***  
Spike sat on a bench in the Tube station, watching people get on and off. "Suicide is a venal sin," he says. Drusilla twirls past to sit down next to him. "Oh, but my Spike is not afraid." She leans over to whisper in his ear, "Purgatory is on the doorstep of heaven. The star you so wish to see can shine on you from there. Will you write him pretty words, like you used to do for me?" She leans against him, and Spike startles as he realizes she's solid.

"Dru? Wuh- why are you…?"

"You may be human, but part of you will always be mine." She makes a snatching motion near his chest. "You can't give it to him, and you can't lose it by the wayside. The brighter the light you seek, the more the darkness in you can be seen." She strokes her doll's hair. "They tell me to tell you that he'll will never want you, but we both know that isn't true. They don't realize that their lies are less damaging than the truth in your heart."

"They? And what truth?" Spike sighs. Dru has always spoken in riddles, but she seems strangely lucid today.

"The dead ones. The ones you had, the ones you ate, the ones you killed. Two slayers, and a host of hosts of others. They cry your name, in the dark. Can't you feel them, in the dark place inside?"

Spike is quiet for a moment, and he is sure he can. "I thought Shanshu meant redemption, sweet. Why is the darkness still there?"

"Because they know the truth. That you want. And if you accept what he offers, they will destroy both of you." She stands suddenly, giggling lightly. "Give the kitten my love. Yours too, but only if you want him destroyed." She primly descends the utility steps and wanders into the darkness of the tunnels. The station is completely empty.

Spike thinks about Father Kolvenbach, and what he said about the voice of God. He had to wonder how to hear it, when his demons spoke to him so often.  
***  
Xander called the rest of the Scoobies, who were still searching, and let them know what had happened at Willoughby Street, while Dawn drove. Xander hung on to an armrest and remembered that it had been Spike that taught Dawn how to drive.

They pulled up in front of a large, old house, with a faded sign out front that said, "Rooms for Rent." Xander took the front stairs two at a time and knocked briskly on the door. A very tiny, silver-haired woman answered the door. She was wearing blue jeans and a purple sweater, and her hair lay in a thick braid down her back. She smiled. "Can I help you, young man?"

"I'm looking for a friend of mine. I think he rented a room here. His name is William Trask." Xander tried to calm his breathing.

"If he wanted you to know where he was, wouldn't he have told you?" She narrowed her eyes at him. "Lots of people rent rooms from me. Are you police?"

"No, no," Xander said, but just then, Dawn walked up.

"Aurora," the woman whispered, staring.

"Ummm… my name is Dawn, actually. We're friends of William's. He disappeared a few days ago. We're very worried about him, and we'd appreciate any help you could give us."

"Dawn, yes. You may call me Tammy." She stepped aside, allowing room for them to step inside, smiling when they were both able to do so. "William did indeed rent a room here, but he left early this morning, and didn't say where he was going." She motioned for them to follow her, and led them down a long hallway into a big, bright kitchen. "Sit down for a moment. I think I can help you." She walked out a different door than she had come in.

"She radiates power more than even Willow." Dawn whispered when the door swung shut behind her.

Xander just raised an eyebrow. "Somehow, I'm so not surprised by that."

Tammy was only gone a few moments, and she came back through the door she had left, holding something wrapped in black velvet. "I suppose, before we do this, I should be honest, so you can be honest with me." She sat down next to Dawn, and across from Xander. "My name is Tamesis. I am the goddess of the river." She inclined her head toward the Thames, which flowed slowly past the end of her backyard. "You," she looked at Dawn, "are Aurora. You were made by goddesses that were before my time, as a guardian of the passages between worlds. Some people call you a key, but you are much more than that." She smiled at Dawn, pushing the cloth toward her.

Dawn unwrapped what looked like a piece of solid oil slick. It was round, a little bigger than a dinner plate, and dark, dark black. It had a sheen of iridescence over it, and it reflected back the light in greens and blues. Dawn tilted it. "It's beautiful."

"It's yours." Tammy smiled. "Before the monks hid you, you would comfort those whose loved ones you had taken to other words, by allowing them to see that they were okay, using that."

"What is it?" Dawn asked.

"I don't know. I just know that you can use it. You always had it with you." Tammy smiled again, but sadly, this time. "You really don't remember?"

"No. As far as I know, before the monks made me human I was just energy." Dawn frowned. "But you… this…" she looked out the window. "It suddenly feels very familiar."

"We're all just energy." Tammy smiled. "We are the energy of the belief of our followers. But we are affected strongly by the nature of that belief. If the monks just saw you as energy, and for thousands of years they were the only ones to remember you, then that is what you would become." She sighed, but then smiled again. "You seem to have turned out okay, anyway."

Dawn grinned back. "So I could see Spike… err… William using this?"

"Yes. Do you remember how to use it?"

"I don't know. I need to concentrate, though. Is there somewhere I can be alone for a bit?"

"I'll take this young man and we'll chat in the parlor for a bit. Call if you need us." Tammy patted Xander on the shoulder, and they went down the hallway again.  
***


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Pull me in tighter, pull me in tighter, pull me in tighter, yeah. When you see me coming, Take off your running shoes. No arms and no weapons, When I am coming for you.
> 
> And baby I will try for the sake of you and I  
> And baby I will get by on whatever you provide  
> And baby I will survive all the heartbreak love inspires  
> And baby I will survive, oh I will survive."

Tammy motioned for Xander to sit in a soft, red velvet chair. She turned on the stereo at a quiet volume, and sat in the same chair, only diagonally across from him. She leaned back and looked at Xander.

"Why do I get the feeling you're going to say something I'm not going to like?" Xander asked apprehensively.

Tammy sighed. "Probably because I am." She raised an eyebrow in Xander's direction. "What do you plan to do with Spike when you find him?"

"Ummm… help him?" Xander honestly didn't know if he was asking or telling.

"Yes, but how? Do you even know what he needs?" Tammy was not pulling any punches.

"I thought I'd start with me, and hope that was enough." Xander put his head in his hands.

"It's not that you aren't enough, Alexander. Your love is a very powerful thing, something all your friends would attest to if they thought about it. Not every problem can be solved by love alone, sadly. William has problems that go beyond the need to be loved. Problems that Spike didn't have, because even with the soul, he was still a demon."

"And even though the soul felt guilty, the demon was still there as a buffer." Xander finished.

"Exactly." Tammy smiled at him. "He needs to be absolved. You need to find out how to do that for him." She leaned forward, and patted him on the knee. "He needs to know that you still love him, now he's just human."

Xander snorted. "Just human? Spike couldn't be 'just' anything. Not even if he tried."

"It's not me you need to be telling." Tammy smiled at him again, and went to check on Dawn.  
***

"Damn it!" Dawn swore at the black circle in front of her as Tamesis came back into the kitchen. Dawn looked up. "I can see anyone I think of, _except_ Spike," she practically growled in frustration.

Just then, Xander came running in to the kitchen. "Willow says someone jumped in front of the train about three blocks from here. They aren't letting her in, but if I'm still listed as his next of kin…" Xander didn't finish the sentence.

"I'll stay here, in case it isn't him." Tammy's voice held no real hope. "Call me when you know something?"

Dawn hugged her, briefly. "Of course."

Xander was already starting the car.  
***

Xander sat in the waiting room, working on his fifth cup of coffee. Dawn was asleep on the couch on the other side of the room. Willow and Buffy had stopped trying to get them to go home and rest after the first few hours. Xander glanced at the clock. Spike had been in surgery for almost six hours. It was a miracle he was even alive at all.

Xander nodded off for awhile, and when he woke up, Tammy had come with coffee, doughnuts, and sandwiches. She was waving coffee under his nose. When he opened his eyes, she smiled. "He made it through surgery. He's in the recovery room right now, but he'll be out of critical care in about an hour, and you can see him then."

Xander sagged into the chair, tension he hadn't known was there fading away. Tammy took his hand and curled it around the coffee. "Thanks," he croaked, and then cleared his throat. "Thanks," he said again, more clearly.

"With my blessings." Tammy replied.

Xander got that it meant more than it seemed to, but before coffee was a bad time for him to figure things out. "Is he going to live?"

Tammy stood very, very still, and went quiet, as if listening. "He doesn't want to," was all she said, at first. "He's being influenced. Someone is… singing to him. The song hurts him." She shook her head. "I think we need to find a way to get you up there." She went and shook Dawn gently awake, and they went out to the nurse's desk.

A few minutes later, a harried-looking man came in to the waiting room. "Are you Alexander Harris?"

Xander nodded, but didn't say anything.

"My name is Jeremy Solomons, and I'm the critical care department manager. I'm here to take you to William. I'm sorry for the delay."

Xander just nodded wearily, and stood to follow the man. The went up an elevator and down several hallways and through a set of double doors to an area full of medical equipment and scurrying nurses. "Where is he?" Xander asked.

"Room 603, just on the left, there." Solomons pointed.

All the rooms had large windows facing the nurses' station, and Xander just went and stood by the one for 603 for several moments, before going in. There were no chairs, so Xander sat on the floor, listening to the sound of Spike's breathing, and praying to any god that would listen.  
***

_There's no need for depression  
And no I don't have the blues  
Wouldn't wanna go to heaven  
If I can't go there with you  
And yes I still count my blessings  
When I am standing with you  
And no I've never learned my lesson  
I'm still a dedicated fool_

And baby I will try for the sake of you and I  
And baby I will survive all the heartbreak love inspires

There's no need for guessing  
When you are faithfully true  
Though my body may wander  
My mind is always with you  
And in the depths of destruction  
There is but one golden rule  
Looking out unto your neighbor  
Save yourself first you silly fool

And baby I will try for the sake of you and I  
And baby I will get by on whatever you provide  
And baby I will survive all the heartbreak love inspires  
And baby I will survive, oh I will survive

Spike was alone when the package came. Angel and Wesley were researching something, Gunn was off being lawyerly, and Illyria had gone on walkabout a week ago, and had yet to return.

He smiled when he saw the familiar handwriting, and that the padded envelope was addressed to 'Bleach for Brains, c/o Spike.' He and Xander had been writing back and forth for several months. Spike had jokingly asked for a mbuna fish in his last letter, but this package did not contain a fish. He tore it open, and drew out an old cassette tape. The labeling was painted over, and now said, 'Just listen.' And then there was Xander's voice.

"So, uh… This is the first song I've ever written. Traded one of my pairs of sneakers for a guitar, shortly after I got here, because I can only read so many books, you know? So I've been practicing guitar most nights, and singing, and, well… My voice doesn't make children cry anymore." There was a low chuckle. "You asked for a mbuna fish, but I don't have one, and I had some things I wanted to say, but I'm not the best at talking when I actually have something to say, so I wrote the song instead." There was a deep sigh. "I really hope you don't stop talking to me when you hear this. Here goes."

A few strums, and Xander had started singing. Spike had had to rewind the tape three or four times, the sultry growl of Xander's voice distracting him from what he was actually saying, but when he got it, he practically fell down from shock. Then he decided that Xander had to be talking about Buffy, or some girl he met in Africa. Couldn't be Spike. His return letter was short, written between bouts of wanking to the sound of the boy's voice. It may not be about him, but he was not above pretending it was. He complimented Xander's playing, and said his voice was bloody gorgeous, and who was the song about, anyway?

He had gotten a phone call less than a week later. He'd been in Angel's office, and Harmony had transferred the call there. "Hello?" Spike was a little wary. No one ever called for him.

"You." Xander's voice came through really much more clearly than it had any right to.

"Me, what? What have I done now?" Spike got ready to defend himself.

There was an annoyed snort from the other end of the line. "You really fried your brain with all that bleach, didn't you? The _song_, Spike. Why else would I drive all night to get to a major city to call you?"

"You…" Spike petered off, and there were several moments of strained silence.

"Okay." Spike could hear the weight of disappointment in Xander's voice. "I get it. Just, uh… get rid of the evidence for me, okay? I'll write you in a few weeks when I'm less utterly humiliated."

"WAIT!" Spike shouted. He looked around the room. Angel and Wesley were staring at him. "I have an audience at the moment. Is there somewhere I can call you in fifteen minutes?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm at a hotel for the night." Xander sounded wary.

"No more than fifteen minutes, Xander. Just give me a chance to get upstairs, okay?" Xander gave him the room number, and Spike strode toward the door.

"Spike!" Angel called after him.

Spike poked his head back around the door. "I have someone waiting for a call from me, Angel. What do you want?"

"Why is Xander calling you? And what song?" Angel demanded.

"If I knew that, I woudn't have to call him back, yeah?" Spike left again.

Angel looked at Wesley. "He called me Angel. Not poof, or Peaches, or Excessive Gel Man. He is totally up to something."

Wesley smiled. You've got your own wandering Watcher to worry about," he replied, kissing Angel's forehead.  
***

Spike knew he wasn't dead. He couldn't open his eyes, or move, but he could feel a warm hand holding his, and a rough thumb rubbing circles on his wrist. "Xander," he tried to say, but it came out more like a moan.

"Sshh… A warm voice said, close to his ear. "Rest. I'm here."

In his other ear, he heard Angel. "He'll stay with you until you die. You're broken and useless now, even worse than being human. You'll be the albatross around his neck. Loving your moldering carcass will destroy his entire life. If you loved him, you'd stop breathing now. He doesn't-"

A voice he didn't recognize cut off Angel's cruelty mid-sentence. "The albatross meant luck, safety from angry storm gods, until someone stupid killed it." The voice sounded vaguely familiar, like he'd heard it before. Sort of like flowing water. "He'll stay no matter what, that is correct. He can stay with you like this, or he can stay with you whole and well. You must choose."

Spike chose to open his eyes, and was surprised to find that he could. Xander was smiling down at him. "Welcome back."

"Xander…" It was then that he realized he wasn't in a hospital. "Where?"

"Our house." Xander grinned at his stupefied look. "You owe Tammy a thank you note. She badgered the doctors into letting me take you home, and then between, her, and Willow, and Dawn, they seem to have done a good job patching you up with magic."

"I… I don't live with you." Spike was far too confused to be polite.

Xander just smiled indulgently at him. "You do now. And until you get back on your feet. Then you'll have to decide whether to stay or not. I'll warn you, though. I plan on the blatantly unfair use of waffles as bribery."

Spike made a sound that was halfway between a bark of laughter, and a sob. "I… I can't…"

"You can, and you will, William," said a familiar voice from the doorway. "You were listening to the voice of the devil, but he lost his hold on you when you decided."

"Father Kolvenbach?" Spike just stared. "Decision?"

"Tammy gave up being corporeal to heal you, when you decided to stay." Dawn sounded sad, on the other side of the bed.

"Tammy?"

Xander grinned again. "I've never seen you at a loss for words before. Tammy was your landlady?" He waited for Spike to nod. "She was also a goddess. You have to be the luckiest man alive." At Spike's stricken look, he added, "Dawn and Willow are working on getting her a body back. She's not gone, just… absent for a bit."

He heard flowing water coming from somewhere inside his head, but there were no words, just a comforting presence. He looked over at Dawn and Father Kolvenbach. "I'll stay. You can stop the death watch, now."

Dawn stuck out her tongue, and guided the priest out of the room, winking over her shoulder as she closed the door behind them.

Xander sat in a chair next to the bed, staring at his folded hands. Spike opened his mouth several times, only to close it again. Finally, Xander broke the silence. "Father Kolvenbach will want to know if you are going back to Rome before he leaves, I expect." He didn't look up.

"Ah." Spike tried to come up with something to say that would break the horrible tension between them. "You were smiling a lot more when the other two were in here. Should I call them back?"

Xander made a choked sound, and his breath hitched, as he ruthlessly clamped down on a sob that tried to escape.

"I guess that was the wrong thing to say, yeah?" Spike let his head thud back into the pillows. He scooted to one side of the bed, expecting pain, but not feeling much beyond stiffness. He lay on his side, facing Xander, and patted the bed beside him. "Will you come up here? We're not on the hospital, so there won't be any nurses barging in."

"I can't." Xander said quietly, still looking down.

"Can't what, pet?"

"I can't go up there, and be next to you, and touch you, and have you leave again. It's better this way." Xander replied miserably.

"Better than what?" Spike asked the air. "I said I was staying, Xander."

"You weren't exactly above board with your intentions the last time you left, either." Xander did look up, this time, his eyes briefly scanning Spike's for something he didn't find, and he looks down again. He stands up without looking at Spike. "You're probably hungry. I'll go see what there is to eat."

Before he could make it to the door, Spike was in front of him. Only for a moment though, as his legs folded underneath him, still weak. Xander caught him on his way down, and sat down hard under the unexpected weight. "Ow."

Spike smiled a sheepish smile. "I know you say I'm a pain in the ass, but this is not the way I was hoping that statement would play out." He used the footboard of the bed to sit himself up.

"I really don't think priests are supposed to make jokes like that." Xander's eyes are a little wide.

It's Spike's turn to look at his hands. "I'm not a priest, anymore."

"You can't just quit being a priest the way you can quit delivering pizza, Spike."

"I know. There were mountains of paperwork. I spent most of what I had saved from my teaching stipend faxing it to Rome."

"Faxing? You quit before…" Xander had no idea how to finish that sentence without bursting into tears, so he doesn't. He isn't yet completely a girl.

"Yeah." Neither of them said anything for several long minutes. "I was looking for you, to tell you," Spike finally continued.

"Then why?" Xander does burst into tears at this point, so maybe he is a girl. He's earned it, damn it.

Spike leans over, grabbing Xander's forearm, and gets him up into the bed by virtue of absolute refusal to let go. Xander keeps space between them. "What Father Kolvenbach refers to as the voice of the devil?" He waits for Xander to nod in acknowledgement. "It was pretty convincing, I guess. I kept hearing you sing, and it was always angry or sad. It told me I was bad for you, and it was easier, somehow to believe that than to believe you really wanted me. It told me I was going to hell, and that if I didn't stay away from you, I'd take you with me." Spike is a little teary himself at this point, and he laughs silently at himself. "I wasn't the big bad anymore, and I was afraid." He puts his hand, palm up, between them. "I should have known you'd be brave enough for both of us."

Xander clasps the offered hand, and it's like a completed circuit. An emptiness inside him he hadn't even known was there just fades away. "I love you," is all Xander says in reply.

Spike pulls Xander toward him, and Xander goes willingly this time. Their noses bump gently, and they smile. Later, each of them will claim that the other kissed first, but it's _good,_ and they don't stop for a long time. Xander can't stop his hands, constantly moving over Spike's body, as if to make sure he's really there. His hand slides up Spike's back, until he is cupping the back of Spike's neck. He rubs the sensitive spot right behind his ear, and Spike melts, moaning, letting Xander take over completely. Spike is wearing one of Xander's tees and a pair of his sweatpants, both of which are easy to pull off, but when Spike tugs on the waistband of Xander's pants impatiently, Xander has a more difficult time. He ends up hopping up and down on one foot trying to get his jeans off.

Spike is laughing quietly, and Xander sticks his tongue out. "You can't think of something better to use that for?" Xander takes that as an invitation to pounce, straddling him, and rubbing big, rough hands over the short hair on Spike's head. Spike moans and arches up, gasping when Xander leans down to take a nipple into his mouth. Xander bites, and Spike exhales a soft, "More."

Xander ignores him, moving across his chest to taste the other nipple. His hands are never still, skimming up his sides, to press into the soft skin on the inside of his arm, holding him hard enough to leave finger-shaped bruises, and back down his sides, cataloguing every dip and bump. They pause at his hips, stroking over the hollows above his hipbones, the rough callous of thumbs grazing the sensitized skin, causing him to swear, and his stomach muscles to twitch. Xander makes a pleased humming sound and does it again, placing wet, sucking kisses on the twitching muscles. Spike groans and opens his legs when Xander's fingernails scrape over the insides of his thighs. He hisses out, "Please," when Xander palms his balls, and Xander grins and raises a livid purple mark on his hipbone with his mouth.

Xander just breathes over Spike's cock, moving to the other hipbone to make a matching mark. Spike arches off the bed when Xander's mouth strays down to his inner thigh, and Xander grips his hips and holds him down. Xander bites the soft skin gently, smiling around the flesh in his mouth when Spike shudders and swears. He looks up at Spike curiously before hopping off the bed and running into the bathroom, returning before he can draw breath to complain. Xander smoothes some hand lotion over Spike's cock, before using two fingers to briefly stretch himself. Spike starts to object, but stops at the look in Xander's eye. He starts up a chant of "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…" as Xander positions himself, and begins to slide down. A few centimeters, stop, a few more, slide back up, down again, a little more than before, lather, rinse, repeat. He has to close his eyes, because the cross between intense concentration and orgasmic bliss on Xander's face is enough to make him come, and he doesn't want this to end anytime soon.

By the time Xander is fully seated, Spike has pulled the sheets off the bed, balling them up in his fists, and they are both visibly sweating. "Ready?" Xander asks him, and he has an insane urge to shake his head, but manages to nod shortly instead. Xander kneels up and slowly slides back down. Spike suddenly remembers exactly how long it's been since he came last, and he grabs Xander's hips to still them, panting. Xander gently removes his hands, twining their fingers together. "I _want_ you to come. I want you to be so crazy for me you can't stop yourself. Trust me, we'll have time to go slowly later."

Spike moans brokenly, and Xander starts slowly sliding up and down again. Spike can feel the orgasm building, it feels like it's moving inward from his toes and fingers. "Xander," he gasps, fighting to keep it at bay a few moments longer.

"Tell me," is Xander's only reply, not stopping, speeding up or slowing down.

Spike feels like his skin could burst from the pleasure pushing out from inside him, and he comes, almost as slowly as Xander is fucking him, not able to hold it back even a second longer. "Love you," he gasps out, "So much. Love you," a few syllables with every shock that rolls through his body. Xander makes that happy humming noise again. When Spike finally floats back to Earth, Xander is still sitting astride him, still hard, and his hands are still traveling over Spike's chest and sides, making little quivers of pleasure slide around under his skin. He traces a finger from the wet tip of Xander's cock, to where their bodies meet. "Fuck me, Xander."

Xander grins down at him. "Thought you'd never ask." They shift, wiping each other down with previously discarded t-shirts. There is more kissing, and more touching. Spike twists and arches when slick fingers enter him. He spares a moment to mourn vampire stamina, but it doesn't last long. Xander finger-fucks him, massaging his prostate with two, then three fingers, until Spike starts to harden again. The pleasure is knife-sharp, almost painful, but Spike does not want it to stop, and he cries out when Xander pulls his fingers away. Xander hushes him, putting some lotion in his hand. Spike strokes Xander's dick, which is bigger than he'd expected. No wonder Anya kept coming back for more. He bends his knees, pulling Xander down on top of him. Xander's cock slides over the sensitive spot behind his balls, before pressing at the entrance to his body. Xander pauses, but Spike absolutely can't wait one second longer. He plants his feet and arches up, driving Xander into him in one long stroke. Xander hisses, slick heat, tight around his cock, is making his whole body burn.

Xander palms the back of his neck again, stroking the spot behind his ear, until he shivers and arches, fucking himself on to Xander, and tilting his head back. Xander kisses his adam's apple, licking all the way down his neck, and biting gently where it meets Spike's shoulder. Spike is taking huge, shuddering breaths, the combination of sensations wracking his body with pleasure. Xander kneels up and lifts Spike's hips, beginning to really fuck him, and Xander's name is every other breath on Spike's lips.

Xander's thick fingers wrap around his cock. His hand is hot, his fingers a little rough, and he's a little clumsy, like he's not able to concentrate on everything he's doing at once, but it's perfect. Whatever control Spike had when they started is long gone now, so when Xander groans, low and rough, Spike comes too. Xander collapses to one side, gathering Spike into his arms. They both shudder occasionally, small aftershocks of pleasure running rampant.

Xander uses his foot to bring the blanket they've kicked to the foot of the bed within reach, and pulls it up over them. They'll be sticky when they wake up, but right now neither of them cares. Warm, and sated, they fall asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Not talkin' 'bout a year  
> no not three or four  
> I don't want that kind of forever  
> in my life anymore  
> forever always seems  
> to be around when it begins  
> but forever never seems  
> to be around when it ends  
> so give me your forever  
> please your forever  
> not a day less will do  
> from you."

"This is Steven Lamacq from Radio One, here with Alexander Harris from Transgression, reporting on their recent breakup. Lex, what prompted this? You were at the height of your popularity."

"Well I kind of fell in love." Xander does his best disarming grin-and-shrug. "Lex the sexy lead singer isn't who I want to be anymore. I'm a one-man kinda guy, and I've finally found him. I'm not going to screw that up by spending the next two years touring." Xander smiles out the window at Spike, who is standing nervously on the other side of the soundproof window.

"So is this the end of your musical career?"

"Probably not. I may do smaller, solo, club-based shows, when I feel the need to get a job." He watches Spike pace from one end of the window to the other. His eyes never leave Xander's face.

"So you'll be staying in London then? I know you're originally from the States, any plans to return there?"

"No. I may not play with Transgression anymore, but they've been my family for two years now. My fiancé is from here. I have roots in the city now. I don't plan on leaving, except maybe on honeymoon." He grins at Spike again, not listening as the DJ wraps up the show. He shakes hands and says polite goodbyes on autopilot.

He falls into Spike's arms on the other side of the door, when they finally release him. "Take me home?" He asks plaintively.

"Meeting at the watcher house, first. Some sort of prophecy about a London hellmouth. Apparently I thwarted it by not dying, but we need to figure out how that affects the Balance." Spike wraps his arms around Xander and kisses his temple. "We'll grab you a curry on the way, yeah?"

Xander grins lazily up at Spike, humming, "Mmm… Spicy kisses," against his mouth.

They're over an hour late for the meeting. And the curry vendor will never look either of them in the eye again. Happily ever after, Scooby-style, involves the multiple of apocalypse, of course. Prophecies, mystical items, and little girls with more power than they know what to do with run roughshod through their lives.

They barely notice.


End file.
